The bear code: Bears aren’t just for eating

I don’t try to be controversial. I just speak the truth, and sometimes people do not agree with me. What I write on this blog is my opinion, but it is also fact. If you can’t handle the truth, you probably shouldn’t be here.

That being said, I am going to say something that you may not agree with but is completely factual:

Bear-shaped candy must be designed in a way that you can eat off all the appendages first.

Few things are funnier than physically handicapped candy. “Try to fight me bear. Oh you have no arms? HAHAHAHAHA this is not your day, bear!” Don’t try to tell me you have never been there.

Sometimes, you eat the head off first. Sometimes you eat the arms or legs first. Sometimes it’s a little combo. There are benefits to all.

1. Head last: The bear can continue to talk to you while you torture him. “Noooo!!! Not the left leg! That one was my favorite!! Please, take my brother! He is much tastier! Let me be free, I can still lead a meaningful life with one arm!”

Or let him watch you enjoy him, depending on what sort of bear you get. “Ah yes, don’t you love the tasty chew of a Haribo arm. I am of the finest quality! Om nom it all up little lady!”

Or listen to the naiveté of a young one. “Oh, are you making me a new arm? Yes, I agree, that arm was not top quality. Wait, the leg too? I thought that was a good leg, but I guess not. Maybe we could explore the option of giving me wheels instead of legs? I much like the idea of flying down a steep hill!”

2. Head first: Arrange all the other bears in a pack. Bite off his head. Let him yell “I am the headless horseman!! Fear me!!” Watch them quiver with fear.

3. Arms and ears first: Your bear can now sing Mr. Nice and dance very stylishly.

4. Legs first: He can’t run away! Sometimes they do that…

5. Arms first: Already discussed. He cannot effectively battle.

6. Ears only: It is a well-known fact that bears cannot read lips. He will be very confused! Just pretend to yell very important things at him.

7. One leg: Pirate-bear. Arrrrrrrgh!

This being said, not all companies respect the “bear code.” Though many companies are very successful in the design of their candy, some are not. Meet fail bears:

I do not want to have to train my mouth in precision nibbling to enjoy my candy! You fail.

What do you think? Are there other ways to eat your bears?

Credit: *Jordan Swaim is the singer of the Mr. nice song in the gummy bear dance video*


About anycolorbutorange

This blog is about my life, the dog, and my surprisingly frequent thoughts on candy (Rule No. 1: Don't eat the orange ones)
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2 Responses to The bear code: Bears aren’t just for eating

  1. jordan says:

    I think this is the finest post yet to date, and not just because of my fantastic impersonation skills. It’s because “bear code” is like “bro code.” Barney Stinson would be proud.

  2. Joseph says:

    why hadn’t i discovered this jewel of a site before?????? i’m accessing this from the public library because i currently have no internet, and i made many a patron mad with my hysterical laughing.
    Also, i like to but a handful in a microwave safe dish, microwave them, and then eat ‘bear soup’.

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