There is an art to eating candy. Mine has evolved over the years. Now forgive the science, I have a math degree, but here is how it works:
- Survey your handful. Determine the proportions of colors. For example, you have 5 red, 4 orange, 3 green, 3 yellow and 3 purple.
- This is the complicated step: Determine the smallest number of a color. In our example, it is 3. Set aside that number of each color in a pile. Three, for example. Repeat this step with the remaining pieces. So for our example, the second pile would have 1 orange and 1 red, and the third pile would be the last red.
- Starting with the smallest pile and working your way to the largest:
- Begin by eating one piece of your least favorite. This should be orange.
- Work through the rest of your colors in the order of delicious until you get to your favorite. This should be one of the following: purple, red, or green if you are feeling spunky that day.
- Rub your belly and say “mmmm.”
It is a complicated process, and without reading into it too much, probably why I had my first boyfriend at 21.
Anyhow, a few months ago, overwhelmed by my looming college graduation and jobless prospect, I decided screw it. I AM NEVER EATING ORANGE CANDY AGAIN.
And I haven’t. It is disgusting. You know why? It tastes too REAL. I don’t want my candy to taste like an orange. Or a grape or a cherry or a lemon for that matter. I want it to taste like candy. Sweet delicious sugar rush.
And the blog? It is to fill that hopeless void in your life. I will look your unemployed, loveless, miserable waste of a life in face and say, “Here, have a nerd ball.” And you will feel happy.