No really, orange is disgusting

There is an art to eating candy. Mine has evolved over the years. Now forgive the science, I have a math degree, but here is how it works:

  1. Survey your handful. Determine the proportions of colors. For example, you have 5 red, 4 orange, 3 green, 3 yellow and 3 purple.
  2. This is the complicated step: Determine the smallest number of a color. In our example, it is 3. Set aside that number of each color in a pile. Three, for example. Repeat this step with the remaining pieces. So for our example, the second pile would have 1 orange and 1 red, and the third pile would be the last red.
  3. Starting with the smallest pile and working your way to the largest:
    1. Begin by eating one piece of your least favorite. This should be orange.
    2. Work through the rest of your colors in the order of delicious until you get to your favorite. This should be one of the following: purple, red, or green if you are feeling spunky that day.
    3. Rub your belly and say “mmmm.”

It is a complicated process, and without reading into it too much, probably why I had my first boyfriend at 21.

Anyhow, a few months ago, overwhelmed by my looming college graduation and jobless prospect, I decided screw it. I AM NEVER EATING ORANGE CANDY AGAIN.

And I haven’t. It is disgusting. You know why? It tastes too REAL. I don’t want my candy to taste like an orange. Or a grape or a cherry or a lemon for that matter. I want it to taste like candy. Sweet delicious sugar rush.

And the blog? It is to fill that hopeless void in your life. I will look your unemployed, loveless, miserable waste of a life in face and say, “Here, have a nerd ball.” And you will feel happy.


About anycolorbutorange

This blog is about my life, the dog, and my surprisingly frequent thoughts on candy (Rule No. 1: Don't eat the orange ones)
This entry was posted in Candy. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to No really, orange is disgusting

  1. Frank says:

    But the orange M&Ms have pretzels in them…

  2. Lauren says:

    I think I’ve found a new something to fill the void in my life

  3. Emily says:

    Margot this is great… I think you’ve found your calling.

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